10 Hours, But No Buzz

Beginning Thursday, I worked with a couple of friends to try to make our little corner of the world a little nicer place to be. We established several things beyond any refutation:

1) I am not a sound engineer

2) I am not a photographer

3) I really cannot operate a vacuum cleaner well either

Nothing really new there. However, if there are any gracious doubters out there, I have proof.

This is where we began.



This is the stage area of our church. Our mission was to find an annoying hum that had take up residence with us and refused to leave. A very gracious gift made it possible for us to replace the sound board and cables. After work on Thursday, three of us met and began working on the stage. The most noticeable thing is the clutter. In addition to amplifiers, you see music stands, instrument stands, stools, instrument cases, and bright orange power cables. We could live with that. In fact, we have. But the things we had become comfortable with are really potential distractions to somebody who might be visiting, so while we looked for the buzzes and hums, we decided to straighten up a bit.

This wider shot shows the drum riser and a couple of aesthetic issues. Everything is unbalanced. To the left of the riser is a broken drummer's throne that, if used, will send the drummer to either a chiropracter or a proctologist. There are also two keyboard amplifiers. Nice units, but we don't have a keyboard in either band. These belong to a congregation that meets after ours. So it's all good stuff, just not all necessary stuff.

If we pan left you'll see that there is also a lectern on the stage. Both of our pastors would sooner wear a suit and tie than stand behind a lectern to share a message. So this too is superfluous.






If you must know, I was working with at least two of the finest elbows in the business. Actually, this is Dan and Mark hooking the amplifiers to the new 100-foot 16-channel snake we installed. It replaces two 50-foot snakes, creating a single run from the sound board to the onstage amplifiers.

In the next picture, you'll see the area where the drum riser was earlier. We moved each of the risers, picked up the trash that somehow accumulated there, and vacuumed the floor. This all went well enough for a while. Then I vacuumed over an area where the stage carpeting was fraying and the ravelling piece got caught in the beater bar and wrapped around the brushes like thick spaghetti on a fork. And we're talking no sauce here, folks. Nothing to ease the attempt of this brave machine to swallow whole the dry, dusty morsel. The next thing I heard was a mewling whimper. The next thing I saw was a steady tendril of white smoke curling out of the engine compartment. It was accompanied by an acrid electrical stench that confirmed for me that I'd just witnessed the spirit of this heavy duty vacuum cleaner ascending to wherever it is that appliance spirits ascend. I wish I had taken a picture. It would satisfy the prurient interests of the closet voyeur in each of us. It would also remind me why the Trustee Committee is asking that I contribute to the replacement of said vacuum cleaner. Alas, in the interest of good taste (and abetted by the fact that I didn't take the picture), we'll all have to use our imaginations.

I'd love to share more, but it's time to leave for practice before church begins. I think I'll hum some of this morning's music to myself. I'll have to. Thankfully, that's the only hum in the sanctuary any more.